Feeling Like a NOOB

The takeaway of this post is: to overcome feeling like a NOOB, accept the feelings that come with being a NOOB. Acknowledge them, accept them and allow yourself to exist with them. There is peace (and growth and contentment) in acceptance. 

I should leave this post as is, with the takeaway above being all there is to say. But, this wouldn't be a blog without providing more explanation than may be needed so I'll continue on anyway. Mostly, I want to share the why behind the takeaway and how I'm learning to get past the icky, deflating (and often overwhelming feeling) of being a NOOB.

I sat at a coffee shop this week diving into the world of children's book publishing. I had tab upon tab open with blog posts, industry websites, library catalogs, discussion boards ... I had gone down the rabbit hole and had lost sight of the light above. And in the first few moments of this rabbit hole plunge I was excited and feeling renewed. I am learning something! I am on a path towards actually pursuing a passion! I am really doing this! Look at how much I'm learning!

But Look at how much I'm learning turned into Look how much there is to learn which quickly turned into Oh my God how am I ever going to learn all this which immediately turned into I will never be able to do this which then became I am such an amateur. I don't even know why I'm trying. NOOB.

This thought spiral left me feeling defeated. The energy I had at the beginning of my "I'm a writer now" coffee shop rabbit hole session was sucked out from underneath me (and it wasn't because my coffee cup was empty).

Fortunately (?) the current chapter in my life story places me in a  period of a mid life crisis. This mid life crisis involves a lot of self help books, work sheets and therapy. At the core of my healing is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT for short). The idea is that instead of fighting, struggling, denying, avoiding or trying to eliminate difficult feelings or emotions, we instead acknowledge that they exist (and in many times serve purpose), accept them for what they are, and ultimately allow them to be in existence with us. In doing this, we enable ourselves to be present in our lives and to move on. Required disclaimer: I am not a trained or licensed psychologist (although with the amount of self help books I pick up, one might question my profession) so please do not use this blog post as medical advice (resources on ACT at end of post). 

ACT sounded counter intuitive to me; you're really telling me I need to accept my fear/anger/guilt/shame/sadness/anxiety in order for it to no longer cause me distress? But I conceded to giving it a try (quite frankly because trying anything was better than how I was feeling and nothing else I had tried in the past worked). In a few short practices using ACT, I started to feel the intensity of my distressing feelings and emotions lessen. With the intensity of those feelings and emotions decreased, I was able to feel like a functioning human being again.

Okay great and all but what does this have to do with writing and feeling like a NOOB? Good question.

I applied the same technique from ACT to my feelings of being a NOOB. Meaning, I first decided to acknowledge that those feelings existed. I said something like, "Hello (feelings), thank you for announcing yourselves. I see that you've arrived" but I didn't apply any labels to them (these are bad feelings, for example). I didn't engage them in conversation or argument and I didn't try to get them to leave. I simply acknowledged that they were there. 

The second step was to sit with those feelings and let them exist, as distressing and as enormous as they felt. I didn't try to fight them or deny them or run from them. I let them exist as they are. This included sitting with these common NOOB feelings; feeling overwhelmed. Feeling like I don't belong. Feeling like I'm not enough. Feeling like I don't have what it takes. Feeling like an amateur. Feeling like this will never work out, so why bother. 

It was super uncomfortable. My first reaction was to DO ANYTHING TO GET RID OF ALL THE UNCOMFORTABLE FEELINGS!!! But I reminded myself that this discomfort wasn't actually life threatening so I tried to trust the process. I sat with the feelings I was experiencing and it was exactly as it sounds and feels. Uncomfortable. But it was nothing more (or less) than that.

Lastly, I made the decision to accept the feelings that had showed up and I elected to move on with my day. The feelings were still there and they are with me as I write this blog post. They are with me as I dive into more research and as I introduce myself on discussion boards. I accept that these feelings may always be with me or maybe that they will leave at some point. Either way, I accept them and I let them be.  

And you know what?  Those feelings aren't as loud anymore. They are sitting next to me doing their own thing as I move on with my life and the passion I want to pursue. We exist together but we are no longer struggling with each other and I can function as a writer once again.

Now I can look at the word NOOB, I can be the word NOOB, and it no longer feels as distressing as it once was. It is simply a word to describe where I am in my literary journey. It is a word I can observe with curiosity (who decided to put all those letters together anyway?) and I can accept it, and the feelings and emotions it brings with it, for what it is (with no labels) and move on. 

- Alicia

Resources on ACT:
The two books below have been helpful for me but may not be helpful for all.

• Information on ACT
• Helpful book: Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life by Susan David, PhD
• Helpful workbook: Get Out of Your Mind and into Your Life by Hayes and Smith